I grew up afraid of expectations. I gladly embraced the idea of modesty in order to shy away from high expectations from friends, and family.
” Look out for the feelings of others”, “Don’t make hurtful statements that could make them feel awkward or embarrassed”, “Don’t overdo it so they don’t start thinking too highly of you” etc….. These were the thoughts that came to mind when dealing with certain people. Yes they were modest thoughts but it wasn’t out of humility… I was just shying away from too much expectation and responsibility.
When told “your gown is really fine” I’ll hurriedly scream “It’s quite cheap o, I bought it 1,200 at the bus stop”.
When asked “So what are you doing now? working yet?” I’ll be like” Ehn, I’m managing one very tiny job like that…. If you know of any vacancy, I’m available biko”
When told “awww…you sing so well”, I follow up with “Its a lie joor… I like to sing but my voice is all cracked up.. Idunno why it sounds fine today.. prolly coz ya here”
When told “your brows are fine oh, you can draw nice brows kai..” I’ll be like “draw ke? me that had to draw and clean like twenty times, me that I’m still learning” I’ll now show you really fine brow pictures of white models to make you understand that truly I’m not a pro when it comes to drawing brows. I’m still learning.
When asked whether I’m knowledgeable about something, I’ll without thoughts or consideration tell you “No I don’t know” or “Not really”
After all these, there’s this sort of satisfaction knowing that nobody thinks too highly of me.. or that nobody is envious or embarrassed because of me…. or nobody expects too much from me.
Overtime however, my egoistic self got tired of hiding and, I realized that I was a naturally proud person. I utter those negative statements not out of humility, but because I wanted you to expect nothing of me and then watch in wonder while I quietly surpassed your expectations.
Eventually however, I started believing the words I uttered. In the course of purposely belittling myself before others, I started to believe the negative statements I made… I started to believe that really, I wasn’t good enough, I knew nothing, my brows and my voice are really scraggy; I inadvertently started looking down on myself and started to believe that I really had nothing to be proud of. I imposed on myself the horrible cross of Low Self-Esteem.
No matter the perfections in my life, I hardly realized them. All I could see were my flaws. As a result I did almost everything with so much uncertainty. Afraid that I was wrong, always seeking the approval of others before doing anything, reviewing my letters, texts, chores over and over again to ensure there were no errors. When asked any question my answer would instinctively be “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure” Not because I really wasn’t sure, but because I was afraid of giving the wrong answer… I was afraid of falling my hand…
Overtime, I noticed that majority of people I know seemed so perfect. Their brows seemed perfect, their gowns so costly and fine, they used the latest phones, their relationships were booming, they had interesting jobs, they keep ranting about all the beautiful things going on in their lives. Oh my! And I’ll just sit there wishing… wishing that my life could be as perfect as theirs, that I enjoyed the luxury they enjoyed, wishing that my life wasn’t as boring as it seemed…
Eventually, I noticed the difference between myself and these other people. The difference was that I never accentuated the positives.. but they did. In short they eliminated every thread and atom of negativity in any of their statements . They spoke only of the interesting things happening, they made emphasis on the bubbling experiences of their lives; while out of modesty (fear rather), I emphasized on the negative ones.
Then it dawned on me that I deserve some sense of self respect and pride. I deserve to be looked at with respect and awe. There’s no need belittling one’s self just so others could be comfortable around you. You are who you are and you can’t do anything about it. People should look at you and wish God could bless them as much as he blessed you. Don’t brag, Don’t boast, never rub your success in people’s faces.. but never deny them either… You have gifts; do not hide them.
When a friend tells you “babe! your gown is really fine!” reply “Awww.. thanks darl..”
When asked “So what are you doing now? working yet?” be like” Yea I am.. I work with so and so.. how about you?” (No need to feel guilty because you have a job and don’t just assume they are suffering and would die from shame just because you have a job)
Toodles**