How I went from being unable to speak up at meetings to hosting a networking session is beyond me. For years I had struggled with symptoms of anxiety but it hardly affected my work because I was very good at masking and being very transparent about how I felt with each situation. So for a long time I was perceived as being opinionated and outspoken. Without people realising that my being outspoken was my way of responding to my worry and lack of clarity about what was going on.
I often find myself wondering about people’s thought process and I have always been confident enough to ponder about them verbally instead of in my mind. I would never shy away from an opportunity to engage in conversations with conflicting opinions and confidently share my stance on various topics. This was my coping mechanism and it worked for the longest time.
And then I’m in this new country. Asking my usual questions and being as bubbly as I always had. Suddenly I’m faced with varying responses to who I was. Apart from the initial confusion, I would usually move past it quickly. Taking a mental note of the person I was relating to and moving past it as quickly as possible. I still had lots of reservations but it never affected my work. A lot of exhaustion after work and on the weekend but I believe I was excellent at my work.
And then I had the most horrendous birthing experience with my daughter which broke me to pieces. Initially, I hadn’t realised just how much. Until I went back to work from maternity leave. I went from the bright eyed inquisitive girl to a girl who was afraid. Afraid of saying the wrong things, afraid of being let go, afraid of ruffling feathers, afraid of being judged, afraid of creating the wrong perception. Even when I had a pep talk with myself, I went on finding new things to be afraid of. It was like an unending cycle of fear. To the point where I could not open my mouth at meetings and panicked at the slightest things. From my first day, I worried that I was going to be let go. All of these affected the way that I presented myself, the way I spoke, even the way I worked. I tried and tried. Battling the worst self image I ever had of myself since I was a kid. Until I snapped. I had been in a work meeting, unable to contribute a thing while feeling everyone’s eyes on me. I sat there worrying, thinking that I stood out like a sore thumb and I wasn’t supposed to be there. While the meeting went on, my mind kept busy, rummaging through my life’s experiences to dig up things that made me unworthy, that made me feel useless. I got home and cried. I contacted my gp. They made a diagnosis and prescribed medication for the symptoms that I was having.
Two weeks later, it worked like magic. I was angry at myself for not going on it sooner. I slept like a baby and let go of thoughts as quickly as they came. I was able to speak when I needed to. Those silly thoughts were nowhere to be found. I felt like prescribing the medication to everyone. How did I survive without it?
When the opportunity to hold a networking session came, I embraced it very confidently. And I handled it well too. Going from being afraid to speak up, to hosting a networking meeting is a huge milestone for me and I’m thankful for the opportunity to do it.
Also Read: Anxiety Warrior
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