A Memo To Singles Planning To Get Married

Feeling alone is the most depressing thing to feel. Everyone desires some sort of companionship, intimacy and friendship. This desire is more intense when it’s absent within one’s family or friends.

Asides the need for companionship, friendship and intimacy, there’s this other desire to not be left behind by the bandwagon of happy and successful people as defined by society. There’s also the feeling of “my friends are getting married”, or that “it will be nice to move into my husband’s house” or “I’m so crazy in love with this man, I can’t wait to move in with him” or “I’m tired of premarital sex, I want to get married and stop sinning”.

There’s no perfect reason to get married. If you want it, marriage is an event that must happen. Even 60 year olds get married. All your reasons for wanting to get married are valid. However, its very important to be mentally prepared before going into it. Its not as rosy as society paints it. Marriage has its upside but it has downsides too. Being married is a state. A state with lots of responsibilities and experiences. It takes a mature mind to have a happy and successful marriage.

I got married with really huge expectations that were dashed because so many things were new to me. It took a while to adjust and finally get the hang of it. Before you get married, I have compiled a few points that may be helpful to you.

1. Marriage is not a race. No be by who marry first. Na by who happy pass. (And it’s even difficult to measure happiness because it’s fleeting)
2. Never marry for money. Money comes and goes, but the beast you married stays with you.
3. In spite of love, make sure you both have a viable plan to create and maintain wealth. It’s the first sign of maturity and responsibility
4. If you must be a stay at home mom, figure out a way to earn while at home. Working gives you some sense of worth. The feeling that you’re busy doing something valuable regardless of your level of income is satisfying.
5. Regardless of what you know about your partner today, remember that people change.
6. You’ll argue about irrelevant things like closing the toilet seat, forgetting to flush after using the bathroom, not pressing the toothpaste from the bottom, not wiping your feet off properly after leaving the bathroom, about chores, etc
7. Pride has no place in your marriage. I learnt this about a year after living together. If you want peace to reign, throw away your pride and apologise. And if you must stay angry, let it go before the end of the day. It’ll only put a strain on your marriage when you hold grudges.
8. When you get married you’ll hardly have your own space (unless you’re living in a mansion ofc). You’ll be in each others faces all the time. This may be weird for introverts especially when they’re upset and prefer to be alone.
9. In marriage, all your excesses and weaknesses are in each others faces. You’ll irritate each others sometimes, but you’ll gradually get used to it. Eventually you’ll come to love it if you have the right mindset. Everybody has strengths and weaknesses. Respect both.
10. Having a baby is stressful and it may put a major strain on your marriage (especially for the first time moms)
11. Firstly, getting pregnant will leave you cranky and tired. You may also notice some body changes later in the pregnancy like darker skin, bigger nose, bigger legs, feet and palms etc). This may take a toll on your self esteem. So you’ll have to be deliberate about how you choose to see things. These body changes in pregnancy is normal and it gradually gets better after you deliver
12. Well not really. You’ll have to exercise seriously to go back to your pre-baby body (depending on your body type).
13. Labour is a painful and overwhelming experience that could last up to three days. You can get tears during a vaginal delivery. And sewing back these tears can be more painful than labour itself. Sometimes, your vagina doesn’t go back to its previous size after vaginal delivery. The pain that comes after a caesarian section (especially when you forget to replace your pain meds) is horrible as well; followed by the PTSD that comes with it afterwards. (I still get anxious when I remember my labour experience. I also burst into tears when I watch videos of women going into labour).
14. Weeks after delivery your feet and face are still swollen and your clothes still can’t fit. Be patient, things will go back to normal gradually.
15. For the first three months, babies feed all through the night most times. So you’ll only be able to get about three hours of sleep each day. Be sure to have someone around to help you. Make sure to buy an automatic breast pump. This allows you express breast milk, hand over to your help to feed the baby with while you rest.
16. When they start to crawl, you’ll have to chase them down the whole house. Babies like to touch electric, they like to eat paper, lick slippers, eat dirt, etc. So you’ll practically have to hold them tight to prevent them from moving. And when you allow them move about, you have to follow them closely to watch them. Better still, baby-proof your house and remove all the things that pose hazard risk to the kid. That way it gives him room to crawl while you watch from afar.
17. While you’re doing all these, you don’t have the time to read a book, or hang out with friends, or take a stroll. You’ll have to take the baby with you to all these places. You basically can’t go anywhere or do anything because who will you leave the baby with? So please get a help. I remember trying to study a few weeks back and my kid kept dragging my pen and tearing my book. Sigh.
18. Although I keep saying “get a help” it’s important you are careful about who you bring into your home. There are thieves and witches posing as helps.
19. Some days, you’ll feel stressed from the hustle and bustle of having a job and/or keeping a home. At some point, you’ll realise that you had totally forgotten about sex all through the week. You know your husband is sex starved and even though you do not really want it, and he’s pretending not to want it, you just have to use your common sense. You’ll sometimes find your self having sex when you do not really want to. Even the men don’t like this but it just happens sometimes.
20. If you dont watch it, your figure eight will disappear after marriage and if you’re not careful it’ll take a toll on your mental health. It’s good to eat with hubby. It encourages bonding.. but please use separate plates. You can both eat at the same time on same tray while using separate plates. I added so much weight after moving in with hubby because we started eating same quantity of food since we were eating together lol. If you have strength, exercise too. Getting married will definitely make you both add weight I’m not sure why. Maybe because of too much happiness, or peace of mind, or food, or constant sex, idunno. But you’ll add weight. So exercise more and eat less. Use small plates when eating.
21. Learn to trust your partner when you get married. They already love you, they already married you. They’re not cheating. If you later find out that they’re cheating I’m not sure how to help.
22. Marriage is a huge change. Lots of ladies go into marriage filled with huge expectations. Only to be disappointed. So please, take your time, and be mentally prepared. Marriage is not running away. And be careful not to marry wrong. In marriage you need a ride or die. You need a companion. Someone that treats you like his own blood. Someone that sincerely wants the best for you. Anything outside this, is a mistake you’ll spend the rest of your life regretting. Imagine spending the rest of your life with a monster because society was rushing you. Only to be disrespected, punched, slapped, lied to, etc.

Asides the points I mentioned above, marriage is bliss trust me. So I’ll just give you a peek of some upsides to marriage. You’ll have to experience the others yourself.

1. Marriage is amazing if you marry right. You’ll have a forever ride or die. Your partner is literally your new twin. You’ll talk about everything to each other. Comfort and console each other, get advise from each other. Its amazing.
2. When you have a baby you’ll literally see yourself and hubby combined in your baby and you’ll be overwhelmed with emotions most times. Their cute giggles and screams are the sweetest
3. Its amazing watching them grow from infants to toddlers to teens to adults etc. Its an overwhelming experience really
4. As a couple you get to build together, you’re more focused and goal oriented. You achieve more as a couple. You go farther.
5. Its nice to have your own home. Your own husband. Your own kid. This is literally your own family that God has blessed you with. Its a blessing indeed. You know as kids you can’t wait to move out because you disagree with the way things are done most times. Well in your own home you can do things the way you want. On your own terms (after coming to an agreement with your spouse ofc).
6. In marriage you celebrate stuff and create memories together. Birthdays, anniversaries, promotions, graduations etc. These things are a big deal especially as a family.
7. Once you’re married nothing is preventing you from devoting yourself fully to God. And trust me when God is there great things happen.
8. When you marry a good person you’ll see that you’re happier and at peace. You’ll pamper each other at the slightest chance, and you’ll make each other feel loved. This is good for the mental heath.

So in summary, marriage is a huge blessing that comes with a few thorns. Toodles!