Not many people talk about what to do or how to survive if you think you married wrong. For some people, while trying to manage it, you end up ruining it or affecting your own sanity.
You may say, I’m not lifting a finger to do any chores if he wouldn’t help me. And so you live day after day in a filthy house not minding at first and then hating yourself for it later, because now you’re angry that you live in a filthy house and he, although seems unbothered, now sees you as a wife who doesn’t know how to clean. Also, when friends come over, you’re showing them how filthy you are.
You may say, I’m only going to cook for myself and kids, he can sort himself out. Only do this if you’re indirectly asking for a divorce because if he’s hungry everyday at home, an irresponsible man will very easily date a lady only because she gives him food. Same way an irresponsible man can very easily abandon the family that doesn’t feed him as he wants.
You can also say you’re not sharing your body with a promiscuous man for the sake of your physical health. This is a valid reason but be rest assured he’ll take this as a go-ahead to sleep with every green light he comes across. At this point, you may think it’s better to let the filthy thing go. It doesn’t seem to be serving anyone.
Before leaving a marriage though you need to think. Can you provide for yourself and kids by yourself? Can you cater to the lifestyle that they need? Can you build a career and care for the kids by yourself and at the same time? You do not want to rely on the government for support, because how much support can they provide? Three square meals and rent? No holidays, no luxury? Neither can you rely on the irresponsible fella you discarded because if he couldn’t provide your needs while married, what makes you think he’ll provide child support after? You want to spend the later part of your life fighting court battles? You made a decision to leave, now take full responsibility for it.
It’s difficult isn’t it? This is why I always say, it’s best to remain unmarried than to marry wrong. If the divorce absolutely has to happen, then so be it. Now you’re stuck with three children and are unable to work due to school runs or raising a toddler or infant. You’re reliant on the government to cater to your needs; rent and feeding, so that you’re basically surviving. If however, it is a better life compared to what you had with the ex husband, then good for you. If not, I dare say you may regret it.
It’s easy to think, “I will meet someone else” but what if you don’t though? What if you have to wait twenty years till you meet that someone else ?
The tactic I know to save a marriage, is to talk about everything and learn to compromise. If he wouldn’t clean after series of discussions, just do it, if he wouldn’t cook, just do it to the best of your ability, if he wouldn’t support you financially, work and do the best that you can. I believe that the most important thing in marriage is creating a safe space for the kids to grow in. The toxicity in most families come from arguing all the time and being physically violent. Both parties must learn to avoid these at all cost. Kids have no need to watch you fight or argue. They’re actually the star of the party not you. Even when the husband is foolish enough to be physically or emotionally violent, the wise thing to do is to diffuse the situation in silence or learn to make him feel good about himself even when he’s absolute trash. The latter always works. It leaves him with an inflated sense of self and a need to continue making you proud. This may force him to behave better.
Where one party is a serial cheat, it makes sense to manage sexual activities with care. It’s risky to continue having unprotected sex with someone who sleeps around because not long now, they’ll transfer an STD to the other party. Let’s not forget too that herpes can be contracted through kissing or exchanging saliva during a flare up. And the HPV virus is transmitted to women even though it’s asymptomatic in men. It is this virus that is responsible for cervical cancer in women. So your promiscuous husband will very easily transmit the virus to you and you may have no symptoms until many years later, and it may present as cervical cancer then. While he goes away scot-free, but still carrying the virus and transmitting it to many other women. So you can insist on protection by saying it’s for family planning so that he doesn’t feel bad. But If he’s promiscuous and refuses to use protection with you, then he’s trying to destroy you. Run. Same with physical abuse.
It is better to be alive to raise your children by yourself than to leave them with the very person you despise. So in all these, the kids are the most important factor. Stay alive to raise them or someone else will abuse them in your absence.
Finally, instead of arguing and complaining about everything, communicate calmly and when they do not listen, accept your fate. Do what needs to be done until your kids are a lot more independent. By then, after you’ve built a successful career and can very independently survive and thrive, you can decide to leave. With your head raised high , not having to rely on anyone for help. This, or you can manage the situation wisely, hoping that it becomes bearable with time, while praying and working towards love and peace in your marriage.
No marriage is easy. The easier option is living by yourself with no responsibility to anyone. But if you must marry, be ready to deal with issues like these because every human being has flaws that only reveal themselves in marriage.
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