I was best friends with a snake and didn’t realise it; or I knew it but I was so invested in the friendship that I ignored the red flags. After I got thoroughly bitten, I eventually learned. And then for years, I refused to trust again. I refused to be vulnerable. I refused to love anyone like I loved her, or to rely on anyone like I relied on her. If a best friend could scar me like that I refused to put myself in a similar situation like that one.
And so I will gist with my friends, be vulnerable about irrelevant things, but refuse to divulge any secrets that may ever haunt me. I will downplay my strengths and act ignorant just to appear harmless and avoid envy of any sort. I will be friends with them but have it at the back of my mind that they may be just another snake. I would love them from afar but refuse to show them my open hands. Because I was afraid of loving and trusting just another witch.
As a result, I spent many years panicking about not having any friends while treating the few ones I had badly. Refusing to trust them completely not realising that they can sense my aloofness and that alone could ruin a perfect friendship. And now I feel so tired. Can I start trusting now? Can I throw caution to the wind, and learn to be open to my friends who trust me even though I do not trust them? Can I start trusting them now ?
Is it okay to tell them all my good news and all my dreams and aspirations? Would they not steal it away from me ? Should I happily gist about my dirty past and deepest secrets? Would they not judge me and spread it around like flies ? These are friends who trust me and are open to me about their deepest secrets, is it not right to be open to them too?
I think it is but I know that this world is too evil. I’m very wary about witchcraft because I have been a victim in the past. As a result, everyone around me is a suspect and I live all my days in fear and utter silence. Wary about the person in my circle who could turn out to be a culprit eventually.
So I have changed my mind. I don’t care how sweet you are, as long as you’re from the motherland, I refuse to trust you. It’s quite harsh I know, but I refuse to be a victim twice. So no, I’m not telling you my hopes, dreams, aspirations or good news so that you don’t ruin them for me. It’s harsh, I know and I’m sorry. But please bear with me while I deal with this horrid trauma of mine.